I even looked up 'fug'. It is defined as 'an airless smoky smelly atmosphere' or 'a heavy, musty and unpleasant atmostphere, usually in a poorly ventilated area.' Spot on.
I am never quite sure what brings on this condition. But when it descends I drag myself around with a head filled with hateful thoughts and self deprecating banter; I feel miserable, alone and full of despair. For all I know it could be purely physical, brought on by premenstrual tension or one too many mouthfuls of a disagreeable food, but it feels as though there is nothing in the world that can drag me out of the mire of my misery. I feel fat and unlovable. Even though I am not very fat at all. And I am surrounded by a lot of love every minute of every day. There is just no logic to my craziness.
But I have spent most of today working through the muck and slowly I am starting to see light again:
First of all, I phoned my Mom and my Sister. They are my biggest fans and I am eternally grateful for their unwavering love and support. If ever I feel like I am the world's worst person all I have to do is pick up the phone and they will convince me otherwise! Thank you. I love you both.
Then I drank a few large glasses of water.
The girls and I went down to a local farmers market. We bought passion fruit, candy floss, walnuts and muesli. A generous lady gave me a free hand scrub with some essential oils and mineral salt.
I ate a delicious mussel fritter for breakfast with some garlic aioli and a squeeze of lemon on a slice of fresh bread.
I sat looking out over the vineyards as the autumn breeze brought goosebumps to my arms.
I pushed Anika on the swing.
When we came home, I cleaned the windows in the cottage and the morning sunlight came streaming in through smear free glass.
I tidied the kitchen and cleared away some clutter.
I spent five minutes in uttanasana.I wrote.
I still feel a little fuggy but it feels as though I have opened a window to let in some air and light. And soon the atmosphere up there should be as clear and blue as this afternoon's autumn sky.
I ask myself if there is a way I can prevent the fug descending in the future. In what ways do my daily choices contribute to the gathering of fug until it takes over and I can't see clearly anymore?
Is there some way I can keep that window slightly ajar even when its getting stormy or polluted out there?
Any ideas are most welcome :)